I was built to be a robot butler for the Royal Family of Hungary but they were too damn poor and I was severely malfunctioning. I was a coffee table for a while and thus naturally fell into the role of Dreadnought War Machine Ultimate Destroyer when the Hun tried to steal all the tea in England in an effort to severely discomfort the upper classes. This led to an inexorably long game of chess in Hitler's bunker but we all know how that ended, and now I sometimes avoid chess matches to avert the suicide of my opponents. I snuck out disguised as a moustache trimmer and was promptly returned to England where I for many years read literature at Cambridge, culminating in my degree in Grave Robbing. By the mysterious and arcane arts of Alchemy and Demonology I transmuted myself into human form to seduce a powerful and beautiful sorceress - the only woman on Earth who could restore my robot body. Pointless you say? Quite. Still, space travel had yet to be mastered and for this reason I comman
