Born at an early age to parents who eventually died from watching lawn bowls, I quickly learned to survive in a world where punctuation is illegal, correct spelling a sin and Dan Brown is considered an author.

My greatest successes include being the oldest boy in class to get his 20m swimming badge, looking taller in blue and having hands like sporks ('lady paws' if you prefer). My failures are too numerous to mention, but if you're thinking oil paint, goldfish, and razzle then you're on the right lines.

If we meet, I promise never to mention my crippling sense of inadequacy, my distressing emotional heritage, or my addiction to banality. Instead, you will tell all your friends that I have more charisma than a tramp masturbating into a packet of cheese and onion crisps. And they will all be pleased for you.

speaking to me could result in a decent response, it could open a can of verbal aggression that would make chuck norris squeal with terror. I may as well say straight aw