I am a legendary figure, often seen fighting wars and crushing dictatorships. I have been known to remodel glaciers in my spare time, making them more aesthetically pleasing. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in tiddly winks, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. The FBI and CIA count me as one of their most treasured assets. I know the meaning of life and the location of the fountain of youth and like Peter Pan I will never grow old. I travel through time with impunity, I walk through walls and my beer is never warm.