I am Fergus MacCool. I wis born four hundred years ago, in the village of Coolkirk, on the shores of Loch Washer, deep in the Scottish Highlands. And I am immobile.

It's nae yer parent's Celtic music. Fiddles, flutes, the pipes and electric guitars wi ma oan self staggerin aboot!

Brought tae ye by Oatlander cigarettes. Rolled oats mean smooth smoking satisfaction! Organically grown by Cambrian outcasts. Oatlanders. Never dull, never boring. So try a bowl taeday!

Oatlanders not available in all areas. Prices subject to availability. Please remove cellophane before igniting. Keep away from children and small animals. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery or watch sitcoms while using this product. For external use only. Do not eat. Please do not litter. Down in front. Contents may have settled during bus ride. Large print available for those living in the deep south. If lodged in ears or any other body cavity please seek prompt medical attention.

Fergusworld Importers Ltd