1) He lives vicariously through himself
2) He once had an awkward moment, just to see how it feels.
3) His beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man’s entire body.
4) When it is raining, it is because he is thinking of something sad.
5) His shirts never wrinkle.
6) He is left-handed and right-handed.
7) If he were to mail a letter without postage, it would still get there.
8) The police often question him just because they find him interesting.
9) His blood smells like cologne.
10) On every continent in the world, there is a sandwich named after him.
11) Cuba imports cigars from him. Mosquitos refuse to bite him purely out of respect.
12) His business card simply says “I’ll call you.”
13) He has won the lifetime achievement award, twice.
14) If he were to punch you in the face, you would have to fight the urge to thank him