Life is soyyyy random and crazy. Every day I am plummeted into deep pits of introspection followed by almost euphoric highs of clarity. Does this mean I'm manic?
I love aging and growing up and observing and thinking and analyzing. I can't get enough of it. Everything is a tool and the mind is no exception. A week or so ago, I was thinking....can I just eternal sunshine myself and shut my brain OFF? I don't believe you can think your way out of tough life lessons. But I'm also learning to use my obsessive thinking to understand that nothing is ever truly black or white. Things can be annoying and entertaining; ridiculous and serious; lucky and unfortunate. Sometimes I can catastrophize but I'm getting better at quieting that part of my brain. Yesterday I missed the bus to work and had to duck under a small awning to avoid the pouring rain. The next bus didn't come for another 25 minutes and I was getting anxious about being late. When it finally pulled up, it was so crammed with people that the driver wouldn't let me on. Naturally I began to spiral. I am going to be late to work and the world is going to end and everything sucks. I shouted "FUCK" and I'm sure passersby probably thought I was crashing out. When I finally caught the next bus, there was a man with a missing eyeball absolutely screaming. Not just into the ether, but directly at people. Staring them down through his one eye. He yelled something about Denzel Washington. I wanted to tell him that I recently learned it was pronounced DENzel and not denZEL, but I thought now might not be the time.
I want to write and speak on the shit that is happening in the world, but I don't know how. What I do know is that we are experiencing very real collective trauma - those who are experiencing it firsthand, and others who are witnessing it on their screens every day. Those two things are not the same but they have similar effects. A total disillusionment in the powers that are supposed to protect and advocate for us. Helplessness and abandonment. Like many, I feel powerless to governments, billionaires, and forces that are unfathomably large. The only thing that gives me any sense of true hope is community building on a small level. This all sounds vague and non committal but it's because the layers of these individual issues run so deep. The power dynamics within international genocide, political binaries, education, gender identity, honestly name any topic, are centuries old. Very complex. I'm always learning new information and while I am very clear about what I believe, it's complicated to discuss without getting 10 layers deep about why people are the way they are.
I'm going to go take a nap! Catch ya on the flip side
Comments